IRL EXP + FAIL: Dead Space and the F-Bomb

Let me see a quick show of hands: Who has played Dead Space? To those with their hands still in the air: Who were scared to the point where you HAD to walk away?

If you didn't get scared, you're either a liar or a psychopath. If you raised your hand, you're just silly. This is the Internet; I can't see you. But thanks for playing along.

Dead Space 3 just came out, and I figured that I'd start over from the first game and just play my way through. Luckily, there was a sale for the PS3 recently. I can now play with ALL OF THESE DOWNLOADED items, but that's no fun. It is not a true test of my skill as a gamer. It would be like playing DOOM 1 for the first time with God Mode on. No, I want to remember what made Dead Space so good in the first place.

And right away, I begin to remember. I even learn a few things. New thing #1: If you leave the game for a bit, it will go into a demo mode, where it sings "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star", and flashes scenes of your character dying graphically. Haven't even started playing, and I'm creeped out. Sweet.


OKAY. So, chapter one. I walk in and start hoarding immediately. I grab some person's money that they left and no one cares. Hey, a Med Pack! Grab that too, LoL. Walk behind a glass wall and watch people die- OH F--- That escalated quickly. And Red Shirt Two is dead. Alas, poor dead guy; I hardly knew you. Parting is such sweet- WHERE'S THE BAD GUY!? OH F--- He's after me run run run run and SAFE! No, no, yes, YES. HA. Punk. And now I have a gun. Oh yeah, that's right, I'm bad, you know it. Let me just shoot the door and rescue this guy who is now dead. Okay, whatever. I have a gun, so I'll just hunt you down. That's right, run away. Got you now, ya little- HELLO. F--- I just got ambushed. Fine, I ain't even mad. Well played.

Just replaced a shuttle, and now I'm going to walk through this pile of dead things I killed earlier- F--- YOU you sneaky bastards. I forgot that dead bodies disappear in the game due to RAM constraints, ambiance and the story. Fine, you little F---ers, you wanna play that game? Fine. FINE. Just let me get into my ship and F--- I'M ON FIRE. Give me a F---ing break! This game is half scaring me, and half PISSING ME OFF. Now I need to find a dead guy in the medical bay.... F---.

Chapter two, a crazy lady gives me my kinesis unit then dies. Whatever. I half-remember the baby Necromorphs, so you don't bother me. Oh hey! Space! And I have air, cool. Jump around, jump around, shoot the Necros crawling around. New Thing #2: No one can hear you scream F--- as a Necromorph just walks up on you. Actual science in a video game; who would have guessed? And now the baby- F--- YOU. JUST F--- YOU. I DID NOT THINK THOSE F---ERS COULD CLIMB AND SHOOT S---. SO F--- YOU AND YOUR F---ING Thermite.... Fine, but I'm still angry. And I died to some weird acid spewing slinky Necromorphs. And again. Mass slow and bang bang bang. So, let's blow s--- up! Huh. Disappointing. Giant creepy hole in the hall, kite that f---er with my weapon at the ready.... And that is how Necromorphs are made! Eww. Oh, F---, he's coming for me DIE MOTHERF---ER, DIE! QUIT MAKING MORE, DAMNIT! ARRRRGGGHHH! And I have to go back to the big hole f---you f---you f---you and made it. I want a new gun.

So yeah. I remember Dead Space now. Just starting Chapter three and I'm not very happy. I still think it's a great game, just very infuriating. Stay tuned for more of my thrilling experience in the game F--- YOU I JUST STARTED THIS DAMN LEVEL GO AWAY

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